If someone were to ask you about the quality of your internal dialogue (the conversations you have with yourself in your head) you might wonder what the person was getting at, but it’s a question worth considering when looking for ways to improve our own mental health. That is because our internal dialogue powerfully influences the way that we perceive and live our lives which further influences how we feel and go on to behave.
One study highlighted the fact that the average person talks to themselves at a rate which is equivalent to speaking 4000 words a minute. Imagine if you were asked to write an essay of 4000 words! The nature of each persons internal conversation varies considerably. It could be that the dialogue is a rambling verbalisation of thoughts, or alternatively it could be a reliving of past and recent events often with a critical commentary alongside it. Or it could be a fast and furious stream that bounces off in many directions, taking the thinker off on a journey that they would never knowingly choose to take. Whichever kind of internal dialogue you personally have, the noise can be deafening, destructive, paralysing and self sabotaging.
The ability to think and make assessments based on past and possible future events is a wonderful and sometimes life saving skill, but it can also take us into an unhelpful cycle of self destruction!
Incredibly, our internal dialogue can blot out or radically detract from the way we could experience life with all the joys it has to offer. The present moment is lost when we are so absorbed in our thoughts that we lose the capacity to engage and fully enjoy life as it is happening.
And yet we are encouraged in these times, to share and to really feel our feelings and to be emotionally introspective in finding answers and solutions to our problems. Communicating with ourselves is inevitable (try to sit and not think for even one minute and you will see for see how internally chatty you are!). But we could ask the question, ‘are there good and bad ways to do this?’ Are there techniques that we could use to quieten our inner voices when they are too loud, negative and self sabotaging?
To understand ourselves is to understand that there is no way of permanently ridding ourselves of uncomfortable feelings that we would rather not feel such as anxiety and depression. Actually, emotions such as guilt and shame are useful in manageable amounts - they help us to manage and moderate our behaviour so that we can fit into society more easily.
What if it were possible though, to turn the volume of our internal dialogue down a bit so that we could manage our emotions and experiences without falling back into the cycle of self criticism and negativity.
Putting distance between ourselves and the ‘problem’.
Whilst avoiding emotions totally can not be considered a good thing, addressing them whilst putting some distance between the problem and oneself, might be. Think of it as the ability to step back and reflect, widening the lens for greater perspective. Distancing requires you to look ahead, to visualise yourself in the future. Research shows that if a person is experiencing a difficult situation, (that they could easily worry and obsess over), instead ask themselves how this present situation will feel next month, next year, in five years time etc. the issue becomes instantly more manageable. An example of this could be not doing so well in a test. This might feel huge in the moment but if you were to ask yourself the question ‘how will I feel about this next month?’ It instantly feels more manageable.
Distanced self talk
If you can teach yourself the art of speaking to yourself in the second or third person, you will have gained an invaluable ‘psychological hack’ that can help you in a vast range of situations. You may do it already. This would look something like ‘mate, you really don’t need to get yourself in a state about this, it really isn’t the end of the world’. It’s like having a helpful and soothing internalised friend, there to talk you through the difficult stuff! It can also help you when you need to do something that you might perceive as challenging. A job or college interview for instance could be re-framed and internally spoken about as an exciting challenge in which you could say to yourself, ‘I know you can rise to this, you will do great, I know you will!’
Gaining a sense of perspective
Any activity that induces a sense of awe is useful in helping to put things into perspective. Walking in nature and purposefully noticing what you see around you, the size of the trees, the beauty of the sun setting, all help with holding a sense of perspective.
Writing a daily journal can prove helpful for some, as something that feels so terrible one day physically becomes old news the next.
Creating external order is also helpful in the way that it both helps to quieten the mind and also in feeling more organised internally too. Reorganising a sock drawer has more benefits than just being able to find a pair of socks!
Make sharing with friends an opportunity to increase inner resilience
Young people are often very good at sharing their feelings with friends, joining together for support and strength, which is great. But just as there are good ways to talk to ourselves there are also good ways to talk to each other. Just as you begin to practice the inner distancing techniques discussed here, so you can also practice this with your friends. Helpfully suggest to the friend that this situation won’t feel so bad this time next week. Help them to re-frame the issue to try and see it in a less problematic way. Look for resolutions and for ways to separate the problem from the person.
The pandemic has been a difficult time and anxiety and depression have undeniably been experienced by many. But there is also a lot of personal resilience to be seen, and an underestimation of how well many people are doing as they find adaptive ways to manage difficult times. Try to recognise and acknowledge the ways that you have personally been resourceful during this extended time period and really give yourself credit for doing so!
