Lowering expectations of ourselves
In times like these, the goals and aspirations that we normally strive for could feel way out of reach. Most of us will be finding something difficult and most likely self esteem will be lower and less buoyant than usual. Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (the diagram below) perfectly illustrates how basic needs must be satisfied in order to move from basic surviving to living well and thriving.
It is practically impossible to move to a higher level of the pyramid when the needs of the lower levels have not yet been fully met; (test it and see), and at this time, most of us are stuck in the bottom two layers. The present situation makes connecting with others (a basic human need), much more difficult, which in turn impacts our relationships, sense of belonging and connectedness with wider groups of people. Knowing this at least helps us to make sense of our feelings and our possible lack of self esteem.
Lower our expectations of others
Life feels uncertain, changeable, there is no definiteness in the way that we felt there was before. Parents and children alike are affected in all kinds of ways as the reliable and containing routines of school and work have gone or changed along with the sense of security they provided. For parents, having their children at home and feeling the pressures of home schooling, or at least making sure that school work is being done, can feel like a huge additional load. Add on to this their own work schedules and you have very stressed out parents. For children and teenagers, learning on line, however good the material and teaching, is challenging. Without a classroom environment and a teacher on hand to explain and keep students on task, self motivation and enthusiasm quickly wains. So of course feelings will run high and tempers become frayed, this is an exceptionally difficult time for everyone. So it has to be a time of extra understanding, of cutting others some slack. Young children could regress, and so to could teenagers, behaviours and emotions might now be expressed in different and less than desirable ways. But when we put this into the context of the times in which we are living it helps us to be more understanding and empathic. Encouraging our children to speak about their feelings through example is always a good thing, now more than ever!
Routines take us a long way
From necessity and for our own sanity we have all had to relax our usual routines and schedules. As the reliability of school and work has been temporarily lost or dramatically changed, so to have the structures that we lived our lives around. Routines are important though, they give us certainty and order and help us to feel emotionally, physically and mentally safe and contained. When we don’t have a routine we can easily feel as though nothing is holding us in place, which can lead us to feel insecure and unsafe. So the more of a (relaxed) routine we can make for ourselves, (and for parents, their children) the better you and they will feel. This means keeping to a reasonable bedtime and also getting up time. Studies have shown that teenagers naturally wake at a later time than the old school day allowed for so it might be helpful to keep this in mind, as long as they are up to log onto lessons at the allotted time, it doesn’t matter if their day doesn’t fit exactly into a traditional school day. Mealtimes can make natural punctuation marks in the day and help to keep an order and sense of knowing what is coming next. Predictability is emotionally regulating so making life predictable without being too rigid is going to be helpful. Again, these are difficult times and routines don’t have to be set in stone, they are there to help not to restrict or feel punishing.
Find healthy ways to let feelings out
Everyone needs to express and offload their feelings and when things are this difficult, it is important that we do this for both ourselves and others. Making the time and space to talk to another person who understands and will listen, empathise and also share feelings is emotionally calming. Parents have a hard job right now, not only are they having to manage their own feelings they are also being faced with their children’s overwhelming feelings too. A young person will often express their feelings through behaviours such as crying, getting very angry for no obvious reason or shutting themselves away in their rooms. The task for parents/carers (if they want a peaceful life) is to learn to contain both their own feelings and also the feelings of their children. If you as the parent and ‘feeling container’ become too full with your own feelings there will be little room left for theirs and they/you could quite possibly explode as a result! So look for healthy ways to enable speaking about and expressing feelings, try not to judge or jump into making things better, just listen assure and validate the feelings. This style of communication helps the child to feel attuned to which teaches them the skills of regulating and calming their own emotions.
Give a little
Screen time has been a bone of contention for many parents and their children and yet now it seems, screen time is the thing we all need, for education, work and for keeping in touch with family and friends. Where would we be without it and if only it was a resource available to all!
Many teens will be on their screens for hours in a day, speaking to friends on social media as well as using it for school work, listening to music etc. It has become the thing that connects us and if adults feel like this, young people (who often feel the need to connect more) will really be feeling it. Of course computer screens can’t be on throughout the night, but there might be good reason for loosening the usual rules a little. Ask your child what they need the screen for and really listen to their answers, are they feeling lonely, detached from friendships and the familiar things in life. Empathy takes us such a long way, it gives us, as parents a way into understanding our children’s feelings and experiences which means we can be better equipped to best guide and reassure them.
